Lockdown Journal Day 6 29th March 2020

Lockdown Journal

Day Six

Last year I checked the Sheffield Star news site and found one of the lead items was an obituary. What really attracted my attention was the image selected to represent this person was one of mine. The image that had been selected to present to the news paper was an image I had taken.

I am not exactly sure how to describe my feelings about that, shock mainly. It was and still is a weird thing to think about. It was intensely sad to see the face of the person smiling out from the image was the same smiling person I had been in the room with when I took it. I was very sad to hear this news and to see this person in the image I had taken.

I think perhaps this is going to be a weird entry.

I have taken to writing these as soon as soon as I finish my exercise and its become fun to walk and think about what I would like to write. I made two decision on my way home.

First … I am going to start posting these and the previous to the Barton Chase page.

Whilst I never intended this to be an ongoing thing it gives me purpose and something to do. I do have things I need to post there … But no one really is hiring a photographer at the moment so I may as well keep the content up that way … Perhaps even blog it through the website. May as well I suppose.

Another task to add the the list.

Second … I have decided to be honest. Whilst I have not had any sort of inspiration to lay down anything dark or intimate I have decided that despite the initial intention to keep this mainly as my own journal that I will lay out what comes to mind as it comes to me. I will try to keep it clean but generally unless something really personal comes up to lay it out publicly … And if anything too intimate crops to at least say I redacted something so you few reading at least know.

Does that make sense? Can we have an accord on that? That you get exactly what I am thinking but if something too personal crops up then at least tell you I omitted something?

I would say shake on it …. But current times prevent that.

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag … And I am not sure how I feel about it.

Got up at eight, which even for the clock changes is practically lunch time for me. Did some social media and published the Robin photos (which I am super pleased about to be truthful), learned some new totally cool stuff on Photoshop and cleaned the wardrobe … And I mean everything removed, wardrobe pulled out, dusted and vacuumed behind and everything put into order.

Super sad to be putting all my photoshoot outfits into deep storage. Mainly female clothes with shoot intentions behind them. Lots of jackets, skirts, dresses, tops … And weirdly a see through mini skirt … Huh … Not totally sure what concept I had in mind for that one … I considered throwing it away … But something may concept wise come to mind so into storage it went.

I was so so so pleased to shower and go out for exercise. I have been feeling guilty about feeling good as I feel healthier than I have for ages, think I look younger with more sleep, better diet and shaved. I felt the bomb to be walking outside and down the street.

Now I have always enjoyed cemeteries. I think they are peaceful places and I also always think of my Granddad. He used to love taking walks by old churches and taught me a lot about history. He was my hero and I got a real love of a grave yard walk from him.

I’ll stretch upon that with some weirdness … When I used to meditate a lot I used to get feelings for places and cemeteries always struck me as places of peace. There is a reason why people who meditate go all karma on your ass and that is because some real weird feelings and insights can happen. I intended to start meditating again during this period … But I also today remembered the reason that I stopped … Namely … Some real weird feelings and insights can happen.

Turns out to have been a big mistake.

Walking around I did not get the feeling of peace that I normally would, more a feeling of looking back at my own mistakes and errors. I got a feeling of finality and whilst not of a morbid kind … More a feeling of looking back on the bad things I have done.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be just a nice guy. Its all I wanted to be … But I strayed.

I know the underlining reasons and I also know a brief flirtation with drug culture in my late twenties did not help … But I have made mistakes .. Guess ones I have to live with.

There is a genuine feeling of guilt. That I feel off the path of what I wanted to be.

Sigh ….. Screw it.

I think what really was the catalyst was that I saw his grave. The guy I was telling you about at the start. I did not know it was there … But there it was. One life so fresh cut short. One life that seemed so happy when I took his photo. Someone who seemed so happy and so enjoying life.

Damn unfair … So DAMN UNFAIR!

Urgh … I don’t want to finish this on a bummer…. I just feel …. Mixed emotions.

There is a book called the Hotel New Hampshire. Its one of my favourite novels despite some really weird stuff in it .. Its kind of a tragi comedy.

There is something the family keep saying that is never really explained. They will keep telling each other to make sure that they “Keep passing open windows”. I guess it is left up to the reader to define the meaning behind it.

Huh … I guess I never really thought about it myself … I guess it says a lot about the person to decide … Are you passing an open window on the inside or on the outside? Who knows … I will think upon this …

Oh …

Almost forgot …

I have decided to make use of this time to put myself and flat in order … But I keep coming back to what more can I do? My only useful skill is Photography … I need to put way more thought into how I can use this or anything to help out rather than focus on my own little bubble in this current world.

In the mean time.

Keep passing open windows.

Chris